That time a cult survivor told me to stop asking 'why didn't you just leave'

I was in a discussion group about the NXIVM case in Albany last spring, and a woman who got out after 4 years said that question shames people into silence. She explained it ignores the brainwashing and fear of retaliation. I stopped using that phrase entirely and now I just listen when survivors share their stories. Has anyone else had feedback from survivors that changed how you talk about this stuff?

3 comments

3 Comments

green.noah3d ago

Oh yeah, 'why didn't you just leave' is right up there with 'have you tried being happy' for most helpful advice ever given." Pretty sure if brainwashing was that easy to break, nobody would fall for multi-level marketing schemes either. Her pointing that out was like having a bucket of cold water dumped on my head, but in a good way.

danielr993d ago

Do you think people who have never been trapped in something like that can really understand it? The whole MLM comparison is spot on, @green.noah. It's not like you don't see the red flags waving - the control is more subtle than that, it creeps up on you. Little compromises here, small isolations there, until one day you realize you've been cut off from your own common sense. That bucket of cold water feeling is the first real step out.

nancy_king293d ago

Nah, you're right, they really can't get it unless they've been there. People see the final trainwreck but miss all the tiny steps that got you to that point. Those little compromises feel like nothing at first, like giving in on something small just to keep the peace. Then before you know it, you're agreeing to stuff you'd have laughed at six months ago. The isolation part is the killer - it's not like they lock you in a room, they just make everyone else seem like the enemy until you stop reaching out on your own. That bucket of cold water is the first time you actually feel how far gone you've gotten.