Monday, November 3. 2003
Movie Review: Brother Bear
The year is 2003; the season: late autumn. The death of Disney's 2-D animation studio is fast approaching, helped along just that much more with the production of "Brother Bear". Former CYD regular contributor The New Meat picks apart the carcass of this dead-on-arrival animated flick in this review from shortly after the movie's release.
"Brother Bear"
reviewed by The New Meat
Before anything, I should point out two things: First, this review contains a lot of spoilers, so if you’re one of two people worldwide who hasn’t guessed the entire plot of this flick, right down to the last hackneyed twist, because, say, you’re Amish or something then you might not want to read it. Secondly, a lot of this review is just me spewing because I paid nine bucks to see this. There isn’t much here in terms of astute social commentary or witty insight or quality humor, just lots of flagrant generalizations about furries, baseless accusations of their having caused this movie to be made, excessive use of the always hilarious CAPS LOCK FUNCTION, and pure, visceral rage.
By now, it’s hard to doubt that the latest golden age of Disney has come to an end. (1) For the last few years, the animation house that gave us such memorable features as Der Fuerher’s Face, A Few Words about Venereal Disease, and numerous 50s era shorts where Nazi war criminals explain how science will improve our lives has consistently failed to meet the heights of the past. At best, recent flicks could charitably be described as amusing but unremarkable potboilers (The Emperor’s New Groove, Lilo and Stitch), noble but failed experiments (Treasure Planet, Atlantis) and
I had low expectations for this flick from the start, partly because Disney’s been in a slump lately and partly because the early commercials suggested that it was going to be a color-by-numbers story of a BRASH YOUNG Eskimo who DISRESPECTS THE CIRCLE OF LIFE and then LEARNS BETTER by BEING TURNED INTO A BEAR and then returns TO TEACH HIS PEOPLE TO LIVE IN HARMONY WITH NATURE. And then there was the free promo poster I found in my morning newspaper, which appeared calculated to appeal specifically to the furry demographic. It was a group shot of the entire animal cast, including wolves, foxes, raccoons, beavers, and otters. (3) Oddly, no skunks. Nothing wrong with this in and of itself but, combined with the theatrical trailer, it makes one suspicious that Disney knows exactly what sort of people are going to see this film.
In a nutshell, Brother Bear is the worst furry transformation story you’ve ever read. Just imagine that some schmaltzy Phil Collins music was playing in the background and that you paid nine dollars for the experience. The movie follows every cliché of the genre, leading me to the inescapable conclusion that there were furries deeply involved in every stage of production. I don’t know much of the internal politics of Disney besides what I read on our forums here, but apparently they try hard to weed furries out of their animation ranks. I can only assume that Disney has had less success kicking furries out of its production staff or else there’s no explanation for why this hackneyed mess got approved. Right off the bat, we see that Brother Bear contains three of the necessary ingredients for a furry transformation story:
1) Transformation into a random animal for no logical reason. The choice of animal depends more on the author’s favorite animal than on which animal it would make sense in the situation. Which is why, no matter whether a human is chopping down trees or draining wetlands, the spirits of the forest will always punish him by turning him into a fox. (4)
2) Worship of “pure nature,” completely ignoring its real life brutality. All species of animals, excluding humans, can communicate in some common tongue. Predator and prey live together peacefully. No one eats each other. (5)
2) Idealized depiction of Native Americans as all-knowing stewards of the land, despite an almost complete lack of understanding of their culture and history. I know that whatever sins Native Americans may have commited against nature by hunting the megafauna into extinction are dwarfed beside those later commited by the white man with his forked tongue and his industrial empires, but, still, Native Americans were far from the lovey dovey peaceniks you see in furry stories.
Still, I went to see it because I’m a cartoon whore and I’ll see anything that’s animated. It starts out with these three Eskimo brothers hunting or something. The youngest brother, named Keeneye (6), wanders off and then comes running back, chased by a stampede of caribou. The three brothers hide behind a log and wait as the caribou make their exit, Keeneye giggling like a schoolgirl the whole time. After the danger is past, Keeneye sagely announces, “Never try to milk a caribou.” Truly those Eskimos have an uncanny connection with the nuances of the animal kingdom!
The middle brother (the surly one who provides DRAMATIC TENSION) pounces on him but is prevented from rightfully pounding the snot out of him by the oldest brother (The wise one). They don’t have time for this nonsense now, because they have to return to the village for Keeneye’s MANHOOD ceremony, where he will receive his TOTEM ANIMAL from the SHAMAN WOMAN. Wow, manhood ceremony? Maybe later they can smoke a peace pipe and do a rain dance. Then they’ll have hit all the major stereotypes.
Keeneye and his brothers exchange some watered-down sibling rivalry type dialogue, the harmless, unrealistic sort that lets you know that the writer was an only child, before they jump in their kayaks and paddle across the majestic unspoiled arctic wilderness to the strains of some Phil Collins music. Returning home, Keeneye’s brothers tell him to hoist a basket of fish into a tree to keep it safe from bears (FORESHADOWING). Keeneye fails to do this properly, but he’s so excited about getting his TOTEM that he just leaves it lying on the ground.
Now it’s time for the manhood ceremony. Like all Hollywood Eskimo rituals, it involves a bunch of guys in bird costumes dancing around a fire. And by “dancing,” of course,” I mean “having seizures.” Anyway, then the shaman woman appears, announcing that she has Keeneye’s totem. A brief word about the shaman woman: it has nothing to do with furry or anything, but she’s drawn in an ultra cutesy style that makes her look like one of those good-luck trolls. By the way, Eskimo religion apparently consists of three basic beliefs:
1) Everyone has a totem animal.
2) The Great Spirit lives in the sky and causes stuff to happen.
3) The Ancestors also cause stuff to happen. And they also live in the sky. They might also be interchangeable with The Great Spirit, but that’s anyone’s guess.
Now the shaman reveals Keeneye’s totem: The Bear of Love. I don’t know much about Inuit mythology but I find it hard to believe that a people who lived a constant struggle against predators – both in competition for food and just trying to avoid being eaten – would elect the bear as their symbol of love. And if they did, then one of the good things about making a movie is that you can play fast and loose with the facts, tweaking them in ways that lend to better story-telling, which is what Disney should have done in that case because the “Bear of Love” is just fucking stupid.
Of course, it wouldn’t do to pick a more appropriate animal such as, say, a fluffy bunny or an adorable little woodchuck, to represent love. I suspect that whoever wrote this movie just really, really REALLY wanted Keeneye to turn into a bear, so the whole totem thing is necessary to tie things together. (See Furry Transformation Story Element Number one above.)
Keeneye’s understandably miffed about being saddled with a crappy totem. His surly brother doesn’t help matters by teasing him about it – as well he ought to. The sage oldest brother breaks things up by telling Keeneye, “Just because his totem is the eagle of wisdom doesn’t mean he’s wise.” Way to seamlessly integrate that little factoid into the narrative!
Nevertheless, Keeneye’s still angry about being a bear. He keeps whining about it, making the whole situation sound almost as pressing as when I read the menu at a Chinese restaurant and remember that my zodiac sign is a stupid, boring sheep. It always annoys me so much that I have to complain about it until they bring me some shrimp balls, upon which I forget about it. But Keeneye doesn’t have any shrimp balls to distract him, so he keeps at it. He complains that bears don’t think or feel (PLOT POINT), which is important since this is really the only indication we get in the entire movie that he’s DISRESPECTING NATURE.
Returning to that basket, the brothers find that lo and behold all their fish has been eaten by a bear. So they chase after it, stuff happens, wise oldest brother gets killed. But, in doing so, he sacrifices his life so that others may live. The bear escapes, Keeneye swears revenge, etc.
Back at camp, the tribe buries the old wise brother. Keeneye tries to convince his remaining pissy, surly brother that they have to go kill that bear that killed old wise brother. The surly brother, though, has suddenly become philosophical, announcing that “Killing the bear is wrong.” He doesn’t, oddly, say anything about how killing the bear won’t accomplish anything or bring their dead brother back to life or anything. He just has a gut feeling about this, I suppose.
Anyway, Keeneye goes and kills the bear all by himself. Thanks for all your help, older surly brother, you fucking load. Things seem to be wrapping up nicely when suddenly – oh no! – crazy lights are appearing in the sky! It’s the
Keeneye washes up somewhere and the shaman woman appears to nurse him back to health. When he awakes, she tells him that if he ever wants to return to his human state he must find old wise brother at the place where the lights touch the earth and implore him to turn him back. Also, he should learn some important life lessons along the way. And now begins our hero’s exciting adventure of “beary” (7) big proportions!!!
By which I mean that Keeneye meets up with a spunky, street-wise bear cub named Koda. Since Keeneye’s sudden transformation into a bear has also inexpliccably altered his personality from that of a brash young kid to that of a grouchy old man he Will Keeneye learn to love and appreciate his new comrade despite himself? It’s questions like that that will have you on the edge of your seat. I’ve already given away way too many spoilers, but I still haven’t revealed anything that wasn’t blatantly obvious from the trailers. More stuff happens now, but I’ll just hit on some of the highlights. Keeneye and Koda are off on a magical journey, but they’re not making progress fast enough for Keeneye’s liking. Luckily, he has an idea! He and Koda hitch a ride with some mammoths by sitting on their tusks. This is the only indication that the movie takes place in prehistoric rather than just pre-Columbian days. It’s fun for all. Koda calls “Come on!” to some cute forest critters and they all hop aboard. Hey, I know that if I were a small defenseless prey animal I’d definitely tag along with a bear. (SARCASM) Soon there’s a parade of small woodland mammals all riding on the backs of phlegmatic mammoths. It’s a beautiful testament to the HARMONY OF NATURE.
And it works, Keeneye and Koda arrive at the MYSTICAL HIPPIE BEAR COMMUNE. Actually, it’s the river where all the bears gather to eat fish and tell bear stories. Or something. Koda’s all excited because he knows these bears. The bears are all happy to see him, but they think Keeneye is rather strange. Keeneye’s all jumpy because, well, he’s surrounded by bears. Suspicious, the head bear starts grilling him about his background.
“I don’t belong here,” protests Keeneye. The head bear simply chuckles a good-natured baritone laugh and says, “Don’t belong? EVERY bear belongs.”
Oh, is it time for a musical montage of bears living and working in peace and harmony while Phil Collins commits aural rape? I do SO hope so. And, oh look, it is. Joy.
After frolicking around in the water like a pack of goddamn hippies for an eternity, they all gather around to play some ice-breaking commune games. The first game is an old stand-by: a bear throws a fish to you and you have to tell the group the most interesting thing that happened to you this past year.
The giant head bear starts off with a story about the time he knocked down a large tree that was blocking the view from his cave. “Now I have a family of chipmunks living in my cave ha ha,” he says. He could easily solve that problem, of course, by eating them but, unlike fish, they’re cute so he doesn’t. Next the fish is passed to Koda, who tells a story about how his mother fought some evil hunters. By an amazing coincidence it turns out that the bear Keeneye killed was really Koda’s mother. WHO WOULDA THOUGHT?!!
Keeneye leaves the circle of life bears, feeling pretty damn shitty about killing Koda’s mother. As well he should. Koda finds him and demands to know why he ran away from the circle game. Keeneye mournfully tells Koda that he has to tell him a story. A story about what?
“Well, it’s sort of about a bear,” says Keeneye. “And sort of about a man. But mostly it’s about a monster.” DEEP.
This, of course, should be the big emotional scene of the movie, where Keeneye finally admits THE TRUTH to his young charge and a horrified Koda must learn to FORGIVE his friend. But instead of some moving and heart-felt dialogue the speech track fades as PHIL COLLINS music begins to play. So it’s never really clear what Keeneye says. Does he just tell Koda that his mother is dead or does he actually admit to killing her? Also, I have no idea if he ever says anything about really being a human. Of course, since Koda reacts with a horrified “Nooooo!” and runs away I assume that Keeneye told him the whole truth. (8) The good folks up at Disney must have known that they were putting in a scene so completely clichéd that it wasn’t even necessary to have any dialogue since we’d all guess what was going on anyway.
More stuff happens. Keeneye can’t find Koda so he goes off to see the northern lights alone. Meanwhile, Koda meets up with some comic relief moose who help him to learn how important BROTHERHOOD is and that you shouldn’t let a little thing like a matricide spoil a good relationship. So he’s off to find Keeneye again. And he does. Yay!
Now Keeneye’s remaining brother jumps in, trying to kill him. He looks pretty beat-up now; his ragged clothes, new moustache, and dark circles beneath his eyes clue us in that he’s been out in the wilderness stalking Keeneye for quite some time. You know, for revenge, because he thinks Keeneye is really the bear that killed both Keeneye and sage old brother. Now what’s going to happen if he actually succeeds? Will the sage old brother return AGAIN and turn this brother into a bear, too? I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Suddenly, the northern lights appear and deposit the wise old brother on the clifftop. He stops the fight and turns Keeneye back into a human. I have to say the surly brother’s taking this all pretty well, considering that he’s just seen a dead guy AND a bear man.
Ah, now it’s time for the tearful farewell, the “Gosh-he-really-IS-a-human” bit where the two leads realize that, even though they’ve forged a deep and lasting bond, they ultimately come from two different worlds and thus must go their separate ways.
But that doesn’t happen.
“He needs me,” says Keeneye, looking plaintively at the old wise brother. This is odd since Koda has proven himself to be quite capable of caring for himself. Indeed, Keeneye made such a poor bear that having him around would probably only decrease Koda’s chances of survival.
Catching on, the middle brother says, “He looked better as a bear.”
So the sage old brother smiles a knowing smile and TURNS HIM BACK INTO A BEAR.
AND ALL THE OTHERKIN JIZZ THEMSELVES INTO OBLIVION. THE END. Stupid fucking movie.
Actually, no, there’s a little bit left. Then sage old brother vanishes, going back up to hang out with the Ancestors or the Great Spirit or whatever it is that dead people do. The camera pulls out as Koda, Keeneye, and the remaining brother wrestle playfully on the mountaintop. Personally, I wouldn’t wrestle playfully with any bear even if it was my brother – it only takes one careless swipe to disembowel a man. But what do I know? I’m not a WISE STEWARD OF THE LAND or anything.
And the movie ends with yet another Eskimo ceremony, where Keeneye and Koda are guests of honor. Because they’re friendly bears who have changed the tribes view on bears as evil monsters. No, wait, the tribe was always pretty pro-bear, that was just Keeneye who didn’t like them. Oh, hell. I don’t know, it shows that ALL LIVING BEINGS ARE BROTHERS. That’s the ticket. Since neither Keeneye nor Koda can speak English, I guess that the tribe just accepted the word of the delirious, half-starved surly brother, who’s spent the last year or so alone in the wilderness, when he says he saw his brother turn into a bear.
So what’s the moral of this story? I don’t know. I have absolutely no idea what Keeneye was supposed to learn from this whole experience. I can guess, just because it’s such a clichéd plot, that he was supposed to gain a deeper understanding of his place in nature and his interconnectedness with all beings, but there’s really no indication of that anywhere in the film. Maybe Keeneye learned that bears specifically deserve our respect and admiration. The lesson doesn’t seem to extend to other animals even though his interactions with them as a bear have shown that they too are capable of thought and feeling. The human members of Keeneye’s tribe still do, after all is said and done, wear fur. Mammoths are treated as unfeeling beasts of burden; there’s a running gag about using them as cars and a few references to crashing one into a glacier. And fish, being neither cute nor cuddly, apparently don’t have the same right to life. (9) All I learned is that Disney just doesn’t care anymore. Why, going after the furry/otherkin market doesn’t make any business sense at all! (10) I can’t imagine Brother Bear doing very well at the box office if only because its target audience is comprised of people who rarely if ever have nine dollars to their names and whose pasty white asses are generally too huge to fit into theater seats. It’ll probably sell quite well in video, since then they can
Footnotes
1. Pointless Navel-Gazing Intro
2. Because, you know, the kids like that “Finding Nemo” thing.
3. None of these animals actually appears in the film.
4. With black socks, natch.
5. Unless it’s a transformation vore story, of course
6. spelled phonetically here
7. Feel free to use that one.
8. Although any of those alternative scenerios could easily elicit the same reaction.
9. The scene where the frolicking bears wear fish parts as comical hats indicates that, even in death, the poor salmon deserve nothing but ridicule. For shame!
10. Ignoring the whole children market, of course.