Entities of the Furry Fandom Pt III

---

Hating Everyone:
Entities of the Furry Fandom Part III
by weird_guy_in_the_corner

Hey, is it time for another riveting installment from everybody's wise-ass hater? That's great, because I have nothing else to do. I have to say that it's been fun so far…sort of. I still have a little ways to go and frankly, it's difficult to stick a knife into so many people. There's only so many ways I can say, "He/She sucks" before it begins to become tiresome.

On the bright side, I have received some helpful and entertaining responses.

Someguy wrote:

Article would hold more merit if the writer actually used his name,since he's using other people's real name.

I'd make a joke about the fact that he's using an alias as well, but somebody already did that.

Egypt Urnash wrote:

Dude, this "criticism" is even more pathetic than the discussion in vcl_horrors. Come on. Geeze. I thought CYD was supposed to be elite snideness.

When did I say it was a "criticism"? It's an all-out roasting Libya – I mean, Egypt.

Fur Fur wrote:

Agreed with Eqypt, the blasting of Steve Martin was only cursory at best and the inclusion of unknowns like Jess K was needless filler.

I appreciate your criticism Fur Fur; it helps me become a better writer. However, I suggest you change your name since it's fucking goofy.

Witchiebun wrote:

I think it's interesting that you give a cursory glance to everyone else compared to the little rant you went on about Dave Hopkins. If you wanted another rant about him, I'm sure they would have obliged you.

Who's "they"? Do you mean the other forum members? No, I don't think they would have obliged; Hopkins is sort of dated around here.

Seriously, you guys take the fandom-and yourselves-way to seriously. Get a life.

Y'know, most people make the same mistake. "To" means "in the direction of" or "toward". The word you meant to use was "too", which, in this context, means "extremely" or "exceedingly".

Seriously though, you came to CYD just to post that?

OhSnapLions wrote:

The author of the article really needs to get out more and stop wasting his time writting shitty articles.

And yet you wasted your time by posting a shitty comment over the fact. Who has the problem here?

Thaily wrote:

I'm used to better articles from this site, this is boring at best.

I will be the first to admit that I am a very mediocre writer. I'm guessing it has something to do with the way I interact with other people. Bad conversationalist + bad speaker + unsociable persona = bad writer. I would greatly appreciate if you could impart what is assuredly fascinating insight on the various nuances of the writing craft. The end result would benefit us both: I would become a better writer and you would not be bored to tears by my stagnant and witless prose. Is it my jokes? Is it a technical aspect? Do want me to branch out in my articles? Is my scope too wide? Speak up, your ambiguity isn't helping.

And if the author is starting to look at his dog in a sexual manner he might have a problem.

It appears we have a misunderstanding. What I meant was the artist's drawings reminded me of my dog. That's why I complained about her art. I can assure you the relationship between me and my pet is entirely platonic.

Maybe he should stop looking at furry porn?

I admit I do spank the monkey to a little furry porn now and then (read: frequently), but I will also admit that that if I stopped I wouldn't be able to write articles about it and meet pleasurable company such as yourself.

But wait, then he'd have nothing to bitch about.
It's like bashing your head against a wall and then complaining about the headache.

Your assumptions are correct: I would have nothing to bitch about. What you don't realize is that I enjoy bitching about it. I don't spew venom for the sake of spewing venom (well, maybe I do); rather, I do it because I find it fun to do.

More articles by the New Meat please, this guy sucks.

Once again, I would be grateful if you could explain why I suck. Honestly, I am a bit surprised. Perhaps you should read my article on Zig Zag; everyone seemed to enjoy it and I am certain you will find some piddling error on my part to rub in my face like one rubs a dog's face into its own feces. In the meantime, you may contact me at kissmyass@lickmyballs.com. Thank you.

---

Jeremy Bernal
Whiny bitch


I like to think that posting this image here is the equivalent of kicking Bernal in his balls

There is something to be said for an artist who wants you give him money for the "privilege" of looking at his art. One can call him "shrewd" or "justified", but I prefer to call him what he is: A sad sack of shit. Jeremy Bernal is the aforementioned shit sack. The man has put up SexyFur; a pay site which he seems to think is on par with Playboy or some other high caliber porn site. I know this because he has put some painstaking disclaimers you would see on any other porn site smack dab on the front page, including the quote "All models are at least 18 years of age." (!!!) For a price, you can gain access to a plethora of pictures whose quality is dubious enough so that you to wonder if Bernal isn't running a scam. Oh, I suppose the pictures are of high enough quality, but not so high that I find myself saying, "I MUST give this man money so I can gaze upon the lovely visage of a rabbit tenderly inserting an artificial phallus into her vagina!" I've seen many of these pictures: Furry character after furry character spreading her labia so wide that I can see her uterus, tit-fucking men with enormous dicks who spurt semen like someone would spurt blood from a severed artery, or perhaps the female will be in an erotic (read: thrusting her D-cup tits out or sticking her, um, shapely behind into the viewer's face) pose while flashing a sultry "come hither" look to the viewer; maybe she'll be riding the pink pony, dripping Crisco from her vagina and wearing an expression that brings to mind someone passing a brick through his or her anus. Remember how I said all of the subjects in Jay Naylor's artwork were derivative of canines and felines? All of Bernal's subjects are derivative of bunnies. Almost every character resembles Sasha, Bernal's famous bunny who is on par with Zig Zag in terms of sluttage. If word on the numerous image boards is to be believed, then Bernal is also a whiny asshole who rants and raves whenever he finds one of his pictures on one of the aforementioned boards. I remember a recent spat on Onechan; on one side were the posters that fapped to these pictures, and on the other side were the people who stated that Bernal worked his poor fingers to the bone to bring them images of naked bunnies. For some reason, I found myself on the side of the fappers.


Ebony Leopard
Dramatic bullshit


You've gotta be fucking kidding

I've read Extinctioners; a comic EB (as we shall refer to him to spare him potential embarrassment) is pretty famous for creating. To say that I found it to be petty, melodramatic, and trite would be an understatement. The first strike comes with the wording: Husbands and wives are "mates" and marital status is classified as "pre-mate" and other such nonsense; age is measured in "cycles", characters make reference to "gods", "ancestors", "the maker", and so on. Then there's the story: As far as I know we have humanoid robots trying to hunt down our "heroes" while an invading army lays waste to their homes and families. Everyone cries and gives general looks of despair and whatnot. Everyone has a sob story to tell. For example one of the characters (named Scarlet Starfox, if you can believe it) watched her brother get murdered by three feline thugs. The killers were never brought to justice. Isn't that sad? Not to me. Naturally, all of these atrocities are being committed by – big surprise – humans! Well slap my knee! I never anticipated this kind of mind-blowing plot twist; especially since I've read about it in every fucking piece of furry fiction in existence. I'm so sick of it I'm ready to beat someone to death with my penis.

Everyone wears skintight outfits so the viewer is forced to stare at their…assets. The females' suits put emphasis on the breasts and crotch while the males' outfits reveal that they all have impressive packages. Of course; what male furry character doesn't? Since this comic is, um, making a point I guess, we never see a vagina or a penis. What's the point of the outfits then? Every character also has the burden of carrying a ridiculous name; look, there's a gorilla named Warfare! And a panda called Pandamonium! And a phoenix named Phenix! Then there's a guy with the moniker of "Micro", because he can shrink himself. How original. I should also mention that Scarlet's profile comes with the quote, "Don't yiff with this vixen!" Sometimes, I find myself wondering why God doesn't just smite us all in a blinding flash of holy rage.

This is all bad enough if the characters weren't blatantly, ah, "inspired" by the X-Men. But I thought furries got all hysterical when copyrights were violated! Oh wait, they only get goofy when their copyrights are fucked with.

Now, EB may be a really nice guy in real life. However, I think he should drop the pretensions and just put his characters in an orgy.


Karabiner
AGH! AGH! AGH!


When you look into the abyss, the abyss looks into you

Dear God in Heaven. I'm not prepared for this. There are some things Man was not meant to see, and Karabiner's artwork is one of them. I suppose I could complain about his extremely realistic art style or the fact that he used to draw Digimon with huge penises, but this is child's play compared to the true horror that is so prevalent in the images of Karabiner.

COCKS. LONG, WIDE, ULTRA-REALISTIC COCKS. There are no words that could possibly describe the awfulness of looking at a dick that you would swear looks like a real dog penis. I can't believe I just typed that. Horse cocks, dog cocks, ejaculating cocks; all of them disgustingly lifelike. I do NOT want to know how he managed to make these dicks so precise and authentic, but the fact that he uses such a natural style does not fill my head with happy thoughts. Seek out his art if you must, but I warn you that you will never be the same.


Donotsue
Pure evil

People love Donotsue. They love him because of his satirical works on the furry fandom; because he has a sense of humor; because his art is fappable. Donotsue is a great guy.

I’m here to tell you that it’s all a carefully built facade designed to hide the pure, concentrated malice that is Donotsue.

It started a year or so back; I had discovered Donotsue’s website through CYD. It seemed fairly innocuous, except for the “Mature” section, which could only be accessed by sending an e-mail to Donotsue. I wondered: What was he hiding? He said it was to keep minors out, but I was still suspicious. One e-mail later and I had gotten the secret URL.

Everything seemed in order: Just your standard smut in the WB cartoon style (no doubt more of Donotsue’s satire). I had a good wanking and then I went to bed.

The next day, I woke up with a raging boner, and it wasn’t because I had to take a piss. I needed porn, BAD. But not just any kind of porn: Specifically, I needed Donotsue’s porn. After I was done, I went about my daily life. There was a problem though. I had a weird sense of wanting: A wanting to look at Donotsue’s porn. I brushed it off.

By nightfall, the wanting had grown to an insatiable urge to pull out my pecker and masturbate furiously to Donotsue’s porn. I dashed upstairs and did so, feeling relief wash over me.

As time passed, however, the wanting periods grew stronger and longer, and the “cooling off” periods grew shorter and shorter. I was neglecting meals, sleep, the bathroom, and what little social interaction I had just to drool over Donny’s porn. Along with this, I began to hate my parents. Not in a “I didn’t get an SUV for birthday!” kind of way, but in a “I would kill those sons of bitches if I could get away with it!” way. I really had no reason to: They had stopped torturing me when I was ten and they allowed me out of the basement when I was thirteen, but for some reason I couldn’t stand to see them.

My condition deteriorated to the point where I locked myself in my room with the computer. I have no recollection of what happened after that, but I’m told my parents had to break the door down, where they found me in a pool of semen, mumbling “I’m gay for Donny” incoherently.

After rehabilitation (which included brainwashing and illegal drugs), I set out on a mission. It was a mission to discover why my personality and mind had become skewed after looking at Donotsue’s porn. Armed with an image editor and the secret URL, I started picking apart the images.



Right; so we have a picture of two dogs (I think) about to engage in the consensual act of buttsecks. Despite the picture’s, uh, innocent subject material I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong about the whole thing. After fooling with the thing in Photoshop for a few minutes I came up with this:



My jaw dropped. Surely Donotsue wasn’t planting subliminal messages in his art to entice kids to kill their parents! I quickly pulled up some more pr0n.



Nothing too conspicuous. A trip to Photoshop and...



I was shocked. Not only was Donotsue urging people to kill their parents, he was forcing them to worship him? Did this fiend’s cruelty know no end? One more of these...



A jaunt in Photoshop gives us this:



I rest my case. Donotsue is an evil, evil man. Don’t have anything to do with him. I escaped his web of deceit – but can you?